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Today:
I am sitting opposite my HR manager. She isn't the head of HR
at the company or something; cannon fodder (that's people like
me) rarely meets the Big Fish. And suddenly I want to ask her
something that has been bothering me for a long, long time. Why
are all HR managers fat? This one can't be much older than me
but she is well on her way to acquiring a figure that can only
be called matronly. Hey, I'm not sexist; the sensitivity training
I went through before my first overseas posting (four months at
an auto-parts company in the us) cured me of that problem. I must
admit that I was surprised when our instructor told us that when
a young American women smiled at us, it didn't mean she wanted
to get down and dirty immediately; that's not what my college
education in Karur (you don't know where it is, you have a problem,
not me) taught me. Well, to stop digressing and get back to the
original question, Dear Reader, have you wondered why all HR managers
are fat?
I know the answer to that question (techies
like me rarely ask questions to which we don't know the answer).
HR managers are fat because they lie. The truth sits within them,
and, overtime, bloats up. That's why. Anyways, I am here in front
of this HR manager of ever-increasing girth, and the conversation
isn't exactly going the way I want it to. The way I saw it, I
was getting a raw deal from my team leader. I always ended up
doing the menial coding tasks required, while others got to try
their hand at new technologies. I had told Ms I-am-bloating as
much when I asked to meet with her. Not that I expect wonders
from her. HR managers are supposed to smile a lot, throw around
terms like engagement, competency-profile, compensation-band,
360-degree feedback, and other such. The smile is, of course,
a mask. Tear it away and you will see that they are laughing at
you, the poor sod who believes these terms mean anything. So,
I am surprised when Ms Queen-Latifah-look-alike tells me, "Yes,
it does look like we have a problem here." Trust a HR manager
to be devious. I never saw it coming.
| Why are HR managers fat? HR managers are
fat because they lie. The truth sits within them, and, overtime,
bloats up |
"The way I have it, you get assigned
lowly tasks because your team leader cannot depend on you; you
aren't there on time; fall ill more often than others do; and
once claimed your father was unwell, took a week off, actually
went to work for a rival company to check how things worked there,
and came back when you realised that even it wouldn't put up with
your style of working," she rattles off. I am still in the
process of putting on my most indignant expression before reacting
to her allegations when she continues. "And don't tell me
that is a lie because someone from the HR department of that company
tells me it is true."
"It is a lie," I lie (and catch
me growing fat on lies; I work out in the company's 10,000 sq
ft gymnasium), and press home the advantage (Ms Hey-do-I-look-like-a-balloon?
looks shocked) by airing my other grievances. "And why wasn't
my raise as good as X's?," I ask, naming another member of
my team. "And what is this my team leader tells me about
changing my ways or being put on the bench to work on in-house
projects?" That was true. He had told me that when I refused
to travel to Kenya to work on the front-end of the project. "I
am tired of you whining about the lousy work you get to do here,"
he had said. "So, I am sending you on-site." Now, Kenya,
when I last looked it up in the Atlas was in deepest Africa. It
also struck me as being the kind of country where dissatisfied
clients (and ours were dissatisfied) could simply slice heads
off with a machete instead of writing a polite you-messed-up note.
Like anyone in my position would have done, I refused to go. "I'll
see that you are benched and get to work on a workflow project
for the in-house canteen," he had threatened me.
 My
discussion (dialogue she would have called it) with Ms HR (I am
running out of innovative ways to describe her) do not result
in anything tangible. I leave her room in a huff.
Two weeks later: I leave the company in a
huff. I have a job with another large software firm in hand. I
met my HR manager. He seems nice. And he is not fat (he is thin;
ergo, he must speak the truth). Hurrah!
Six months later: I am sitting opposite my
HR manager. He isn't the head of HR at the company or something;
cannon fodder (that's people like me) rarely meets the Big Fish.
And suddenly I want to ask him something that has been bothering
me for a long, long time. Why are all HR managers thin? This one
can't be much older than me but he is well on his way to acquiring
a figure that can only be called anaemic.
I know the answer to that question (techies
like me rarely ask questions to which we don't know the answer).
HR managers are thin because they lie. The lie sits within them,
and, over time, eats them up. That's why.
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